Remain respectful of each other to strengthen the relationship.
- Remain respectful of each other to strengthen the relationship.
- Be mindful of the time and place for discussion.
- Define the problem – Be specific and List the ways you each contribute to the problem
- If you don’tdo well with the first 3 steps take a “TIME OUT!” Relax / Calm down if fight or flight is triggered and you are being defensive.
- Use “I”statements and identify what you were thinking, feeling and what your needs / desires are: (i.e. I was thinking…and feeling… when …happened. What I needed was …)
- Listen with an open mind and do not commit “Fouls” such as name calling, blaming and excuse making;
- Use active listening skills by paying attention to non-verbal(s), give eye contact, turn the TV off and attend to what your partner is saying;
- Avoid criticism; if you must criticize, balance it with at least one positive comment (i.e. “I appreciate how you… In the future can you remember to also …?”
- BONUS – IF YOU DON’T DO WELL AT ANY OF THESE STEPS AND YOU WANT TO TRY AGAIN…SEEK FORGIVENESS AND GRANT FORGIVENESS!
To pursue forgiveness
- Say what you did wrong recognizing you injured or was hurtful to partner
- Empathize with the pain he/she experienced and try to understand from his / her perspective
- It’s ok to be responsible for your actions
- State you will work on not doing the behavior again
- Ask for forgiveness and apologize
- Forgive yourself
- To give forgiveness
- Recognize your pain or injury
- State your expectations and boundaries
- Don’t entertain “getting even”
- Release the anger you feel and any other negative feeling towards your partner
- Express forgiveness and offer it to your partner