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Dr. Cynthia Chestnut - Ask Your Tango

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Dr. Chestnut's Blog

Ask Your Tango

Question: Tired of the hurt - WHY??

Published on September 9, 2013 by halfhearted: I have been dating for sometime and seem to find that I run into the same hurt - time after time. I am in mid 40's and have been single for two years, leaving a 8 yr marriage. I find that I like the guy I meet and things are amazing - at first I would reach the "first sex" time early and would be hurt when I all of a sudden didn't hear from the guy again. Thinking that this was all that he wanted - I moved to another "try" at things. This time - we spent alot of time getting to know one another. It felt right - It felt good. We had the "first sex" and have not heard from him at all. I waited months ... I just don't understand. I know it is not that the sex is bad! It just seems men have no problem hurting a woman. What am I doing wrong???? I thought I was doing things right this time by not jumping into the sack to early ...

Answer

Hello Halfhearted,

After being married for 8 years and now divorced, you either might be used to sex with some frequency or not used to frequent sex. Of course you want to have a healthy relationship with good sex, which is why you are dating! Getting back in the dating scene has its challenges, so you find yourself trying to figure out the rules stumbling here and there. I say, ask yourself what do you want right now? If you are looking for a committed relationship you will run into many who either want the same or not. Prepare yourself for some disappointments because your attraction to someone might not be reciprocated. Don't give too much of yourself until you are sure the other person is just as invested in you. Very often we give more than what we get back and the other person did not earn all of that. Slowly pace yourself, and don't be pushy. Look for other ways to get your needs met so you don't overwhelmed a potential partner with not only your needs but overwhelming desires too! To build a healthy secure relationship, you must do the work in yourself to heal your past hurts and pain. Don't start this new journey of looking for another relationship to numb your past hurts because numbing will not heal you. The pain will be triggered and show up in other behaviors with emotions that are totally unresolved.

So, take your halfhearted self and fully invest in giving yourself to healing your pain by engaging the love ones you have and share your trust in those intimate relationships. Therefore, as you meet new potential partners, focus on the activities shared in that experience, enjoying those moments alone! Do not require more than that! This way you are offering respect in the here and now without expectations for anything else AND handle yourself accordingly so you can get the same in return. No more and no less! Don't miss out on the joy you can have in the now without an expectation for more unless more is agreed! Indulge only in what's agreed that reciprocal. If you are with someone who can't give back, let it go before you set yourself up for more pain and disappointment!

Dr. Cynthia Chestnut, Relationship Expert, " The Center for Couple and Family Life Services "A Healthy Relationship is my Business" www.drcynthiachestnut.com

Source: Your Tango

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